True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
