Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You need a sexual gate keeper
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
