you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
