my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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