I got chris browned last night
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
