So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
