if you like me you must not know who I am
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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