I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
