sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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