he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
