So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
