There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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