We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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