she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
