Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
