apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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