She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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