Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can you bring me the toilet please
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
