we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
