I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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