just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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