and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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