Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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