i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
