OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
