just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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