this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
