so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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