guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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