That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
