I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
