you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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