i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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