If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
