went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
