Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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