that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
