I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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