pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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