This girl is more easily done than said...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
