I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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