Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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