You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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