So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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