Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
