just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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