I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
