I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
