The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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