Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
